RESOURCES

My first vision fast was with not with SOLB, but with a man who trained with you all. I was 25. I was healing from a difficult childhood and trying to become an adult. Even though I would have never used those words at the time. I fasted again in 2011 during the month long training. I wanted more depth in my work as a therapist. It gave me that and so much more.

In addition to healing childhood wounds, I was given a vision. I was given the gift of seeing why I am here on earth. It showed me my work in the world – as a somatic therapist and a movement teacher. I have been on that path since.

Here’s a story I wrote after my fast:

I set myself out beneath the vibrant setting sun. The smell of creosote on the dry desert air. Small wrens and verdins darted through the final moments of light. I sat in the circle of rocks, watching the sun slowly, slowly creep down beneath the earth. My drum was my only companion. it kept time with my heart-beats, slow, steady, even and deep. I drummed the sun down, honoring its path and meditating on the warmth of the colorful sky that slowly, slowly became void of light and color. Vibrant reds and oranges fading into soft pinks and maroons, then heavy purples, coral blue, dark blue, pencil grey, charcoal grey, then black, deep dark black without stars, without a moon.

I was alone in the canyon, under the dark, dark sky. Just my drum and some creeping fears of darkness. I let my drum sing for me, hoping the loud sound would ward off darting thoughts and a tense expectation of all that could go wrong. For a while, the loud steady beat did protect me from my mind. But soon the sound became woven into the tapestry of the desert’s darkness. I was as alone as I stood in the cool, dry sand. A perfect vantage to the dark stage of my fearful thoughts. Act one – rattle snakes poised to strike behind boulders and bushes. Act two – beefy jawed rabbits with pointed antlers jeering from the folds of black. Act three -invisible spirits swirling on the currents of slow air.

The chorus of my thoughts sang it’s fright – Chubacabra, jackelobes, angry serpents, probing aliens, vengeful Indian Gods. I was frightened. Sacred shitless. Alone. And a little bit cold. I drummed louder, but was the rhythm calling the terrifying creatures to me?

I stopped. Only silence and darkness. I prayed for the moon to rise. I prayed for the stars to shine. But I prayed to be at home in my bed after a meal of oranges and soft buttered bread. Nothing changed. Shaking, I crawled into my sleeping bag and drew it tightly above my head. I curled into a ball, hoping chubacabras could not penetrate synthetic down. I shook and shook and shook myself to sleep.

In my sleep, she came. She stood above the pathetic wrapped-up ball of me. She wore flowing skirts, a light of peaceful beauty all around her Her calm eyes shone with great wisdom. With unspeakable compassion, she whispered in my ear, You’re missing the most beautiful part. She smiled knowingly and left me there in the desert alone and awake.
I opened the drawstring above my head, birthing myself into the desert night. The sky was brilliant with stars, the moon was high and bright. It was breathtakingly beautiful. As I took it all in, I shook, no longer with fear, with awe. The sky, the world, the Goddess who had come for me.

I took up my drum again and rose the sun with my steady, grateful beat. A lesson that would carry me through my life, sifting through my tears of gratitude: We are never alone in this strange world, no matter how dark it gets.

The understanding of myself and humanity through the medicine wheel in integrated into how I think about people and myself. To be an embodied, wise, adult has long been the goal of my life. And now, at 50, I find myself thinking of myself as a young elder and considering how I will contribute from that part of the wheel.

There are many moments from fasts, like little stories, that pop up in my memories when I least expect them. I have come to see myself as the part of the universe with eyes that can observe itself. I can think in deep time. I can trust God. I can have conversations with animals and plants. None of this would have been possible without fasting.

Yes, so many. I was shown my path – to work with people using the body. I understood the body as our intimate patch of the world, the natural world. And that’s my daily work, as a somatic therapist and a movement teacher. I orient to it as helping people to become wise leaders of their own wild nature and to understand their place in connection to all beings.

I’ve done so much in my life to heal and to seek – vision fasting, psychedelics, conscious dance, meditation, enneagram work, somatic therapy, traditional therapy… Vision fasts have been one of the most powerful of all. The two fasts I have done are references for how I know myself and my connection to all things. They are invaluable. What a gift you have given my life. What a gift you give to the world. thank you.

Kristen Jackson Banister – 2011, Month Long Training