The Four Directions of a Queer Man: Forgiveness, Apology & Reconciliation

Queer people don’t grow up as ourselves, we grow up playing a version of ourselves that sacrifices authenticity to minimise humiliation & prejudice.  The massive task of our adult lives is to unpick which parts of ourselves are truly us & which parts we’ve created to protect us.

—Alexander Leon, epigraph found in Last Call, by Elon Green

Gathering at a preserve in the coastal hills of the North Bay, 90 minutes north of San Francisco, we will look to nature as our mirror, as we aim to learn more deeply what it means to be “a man” and to be “queer.”  Each of the four directions mirrors back something uniquely: call this “the four directions of a queer man.”  The south, where the sun is high in the sky, is the place of the child—or for this week, the queer child.  In the west, where the sun sets, is the darkness of adolescence: where a queer man must navigate their “coming out”—however many times, and during whatever stages of life.  In the north, the direction of night, is the place of the empowered queer adult who knows how to survive and thrive in dark times.  And in the east, with its daily inspiration of the sunrise, is the place of Queer Spirit.  We will explore each of these four directions – a day at a time – culminating in an overnight solo on the fourth full day, the day in the east.

Through the week, we will weave in the themes of wounding, forgiveness, apology, and reconciliation.  We recognize that growing up queer in a homophobic world may have left each of us with old wounds and complicated ongoing relationships – with family, community, and even chosen friends.  That has left many of us with lots of unfinished business.  

To do this healing work, we will draw upon an old hospice teaching.  To complete a relationship at the end of life, five things need be said: “Please forgive me”; “I forgive you”; “Thank you”; “I love you”; and “Goodbye.”  One of the great opportunities we all have is to do this work now – to keep our relationships current rather than waiting for our final days.   Otherwise, we risk being weighed down by a lifetime of woundings, angers, and regrets.

Balancing Affinity with Inclusivity: We are calling in a circle of “GBTQ men.”  Put another way: people who identify as “queer” and as a “man” – whatever those two words mean for you. We also want to acknowledge that words and labels can be challenging.  If the word “queer” doesn’t work for you, consider other ways you might name yourself that would include you in the group we’re calling in: ‘Gay, bisexual, or pan man’. ‘Trans man’. ‘Nonbinary person looking to explore or claim aspects of masculinity, maleness, or male socialization’. ‘Man sexually attracted to other men.’ If you have questions about whether you belong in this circle, please contact us.

Two Prep Meetings by Zoom: We will bring our group together for two (optional) Zoom meetings on two different Mondays, March 30th and May 4^th. The times for both are 5-6:30 pm PST/8-9:30 pm EST. These will be a chance for people to meet each other in advance of our gathering and for our guide team to support your logistical preparation.

Program information:  Enrollment is limited to 10. This program will be held in coastal hills of the North Bay, 90 minutes from San Francisco.  We will start midday on the first day, a Monday, and finish by noon of the last day, Memorial Day, also a Monday. We will be camping together the entire week, likely with a simple toilet set-up and no showers.  More detailed logistical information will be sent out a few months before the course begins. 

Program Questions Contact:  Scott Eberle at [email protected]

Of special note: Similar to our last two programs, we’re looking to raise scholarship money from previous participants for this particular program in an effort to make this gathering more accessible to those with limited income. Depending on the amount raised, this program-specific fund could support participation for up to five men. We are especially interested in drawing in younger people and/or BIPOC people.  Again, this is contingent on monies successfully being raised in the coming months. Please contact Scott at the email above for more info.